Struggling with Sameness

Of all the challenges I expected to face in my natural hair journey, boredom didn't make the list. But here I am, three months after the big chop, and every day has seen the same with this hair. Eighty-three days of teeny weeny Afros.

In fashion and retail, this is the time of year when winter lines are moved out and spring lines make their debut. Change is in the air! Change is not in my hair. 

I like having options. I like trying new looks with my clothes, make up, jewelry and hair. I'm not really sure how I should feel or what I should do about it, because I wasn't prepared for this kind of doubt. I prepared myself for external pressures. I prepared myself for the ardent quest to find the "perfect" products for my hair.

The Internet is full of ideas for natural hair styles, right? Sure, the Internet is full of hair tutorials. Have I ever mentioned how inept I've always been at styling my own hair. Tutorials for bantu knots, twits, and the like are my DIY nightmare. 

If I'm being honest with myself, I would admit that my dilemma could stem from unrealistic expectations I had about this journey at the onset. Although I knew that I would have to become acquainted with my natural hair texture over time, underneath it all I guess I expected my hair to be more manageable than it is right now. I didn't expect to have trouble keeping it moisturized throughout the day. I didn't expect that my headbands would give me headaches (at least the cute ones do).

The best I can do right now is just think about where I am in my journey. What have I learned in the last three months? What am I looking forward to? What do I do now?

I Could Never Do That Until I Did It.

The first few days of my new naturalness have been easier than I expected. While I've been looking forward to this for months, I still anticipated some uncomfortable moments (see this previous post and see that I mean).

Have I seen some surprised reactions? Sure. Have I seen anyone faint or drive their car into a brick wall? Fortunately, no.

Perhaps the only barrier to taking this leap into virgin territory was my own mind? I used to think I could never cut off all my hair. My head is too big. I'll look like an alien. (Quiet.) I could never let me hair go natural. It's too big and bushy (which I didn't really know because it had been relaxed for 25 years.) Most of my arguments were based on what I thought people would think.

What I thought people would think. Think about that.

What are you doing in your life that you wish you could quit, you know you should quit, but you won't because of what you think other people will think?

What are you missing out on in life because you worry what other people might think?

I didn't think I could do this until I did it... And I'm glad I did.

It's Just Hair, Right? (Short and Fluffy)

Tuesday was a big day for this girl. I finally did what I said I would do since January. And now that I've done it, I realize that it was something I should have done a long time ago.

Josh at Dionysus Salon & Spa cut off all the relaxed hair. I was unafraid. He kept asking me if I was OK, but I was. In all these months of my transition from relaxed to natural hair, I think I became detached. As I mention in a previous post, I tried the safe route of just getting a slight trim a few weeks ago. That was far more traumatic than the big chop.

It's not just about hair. It's about me being OK with being myself -- with all my idiosyncrasies. I'm not like anyone else and that's OK. Living in a culture that seemingly rewards individuality and the independent spirit, it can still be hard to look and think differently.

And do I look differently! Camille, my oldest daughter, called to me from around the corner when I got home today -- before she could see me. "Daddy said you were going to cut your hair today? Whoa!" she said, squinting her eyes as I entered the room. "You look cool!" Camille is known for her honest critiques.

As I tucked Madeleine, the middle child, in for bed I asked her what she thought of my new hairdo. Her big brown eyes made a huge circle, outlining my hair. All she said was, "I love you, Mommy." Maybe she's heeding the age old advice, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," but I will take that as a positive feedback.

Claudia, my youngest daughter, said, "Your hair is short and fluffy. I like it."

There is it, y'all!

I sure DID cut off all that hair!

Am I a rebel looking for a cause? When I started this blog, I acknowledged that I would be one of thousands of "hair bloggers" and that I would probably have very little new to add to the conversation. I cut my hair for myself (and my children), but I know that some people will wonder what my newly-cropped 'do represents. It's a journey: my natural hair journey. I can't quite put into words what this experience means to me. I'm still figuring that out.

Do I Have the Nerve?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I made an appointment for my big chop, freedom cut, whatever you want to call it. I had a feeling today that I needed to make a stop on the way home from work Friday, and I'm trying to listen to my feelings more often.

I told the stylist I met with today, that I'm tired to dealing with two hair textures. It's time to jump into the deep end -- the big reveal! Every time I run my fingers through my hair, I grow a little more impatient.